| - 38 - I Guess... - |
[05 May 2009|11:04pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drunk |
] |
| [ |
music |
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L.A. Nights by ATB |
] |
I guess I'll figure it out one day. I'll have all the answers, but for now, I suppose that...I am still learning.
Roman
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| - 37 - The Best Thing I have Heard In A While - |
[23 Apr 2009|09:55am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hungover |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
None |
] |
"I read some of your stuff and it seems like you're on the brink of discovering a voice. Keep writing and keep reading. Inspire yourself. Keep looking for ideas because you'll end up getting tired of your own experiences."
I need a vacation.
Roman
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| - 35 - Free to Feel Good - |
[26 Feb 2009|04:11am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Out of My Mind by Lasgo |
] |
It is past 4 am in the morning. I am apperently out having a good time, when I am really not.
Have you ever felt like you have been in one of those moments most easily described as "being surrounded in a crowded room yet feeling completely alienated, almost outcasted." Well I kind of feel that. I've felt like that for a while. Don't take pity on me though, I'm used to matters such as these.
Roman
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|
| - 34 - Alphabet Soup - |
[03 Feb 2009|12:00am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 molasses should be a mood. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Older Chests by Damien Rice |
] |
I've grown tired of my writing style.
A few months ago, nearly a year ago to be precise, I found what I called my "writing voice." I was ecstatic with what I had discovered because I finally felt like I had a style of writing to suit my life, my personality and the way I felt. Now, I feel I have either lost it or I've grown tired of it. I look over the things I write and they bore me. My own words bore me. From page to page nothing seems to change. Perhaps I'm truly becoming a writer and my greatest critic.
The only piece I am proud of at the moment is a song that I've been working on titled "Alphabet Soup." The song pretty much is a reflection on how life sometimes just isn't the way you would hope for it to turn out. Here's part of the chorus:
"My life isn't grey, just a light shade of blue.
I've got nothing but numbers in my alphabet soup.
And I know that life may end real soon
But for now I think I'll sleep until noon."
To say the least my writing may just be a direct product of my life which as of late has been just as stagnant, a bit unspectacular with days filled with an abundance of repetitions from days of past. Aside from going shopping a few days ago, the only engaging thing I've done for the past week now has been playing Pokemon. Don't get me wrong, I love the game but I can really only play for so long. I need a vacation, an adventure, a high-speed car-chase getaway onto a cruise ship sweepstakes win! I need something to sharpen this dull life of mine and it definitely needs to be something other than spontaneously getting drunk or high in the middle of the week.
My life doesn't feel the way it probably should; I think that's why I haven't updated in a while.
Roman
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|
| - 33 - End of Year Resolution? - |
[09 Dec 2008|11:18am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 creative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Special K (Timo Maas Remix) by Placebo |
] |
A.V.O is the new motto I live by:
"Love Conquers All,"
Whatever that's supposed to mean.
I ask, "If love conquers, does it consume?
Does it devour and destroy?"
Of course it does, otherwise it wouldn't be a good thing
Without a bad.
It's time we take a hit of Love;
Because everybody's doing it.
I took a drive Sunday night,
Hoping to gain pleasure by pleasing another
(As I have many times before).
I found myself lost in an unfamiliar city,
100 miles on the wrong road,
Headed in the wrong direction.
When no one answered my call,
I knew it wasn't meant to be.
I had to find my way back home.
Somewhere in the beginning of this week
I took my pencil and began to draw.
I designed a new thought,
A desire for something more.
I made a garment embroidered with complexity,
Enveloped in valor,
And embellished with felicity.
My pen took over and began to write
The lyrics to a life revisited,
Refurbished,
Refurnished.
From now on I will pave my owns roads.
A.V.O. is a dream come true.
|
|
| - 32 - In Desperate Need - |
[04 Nov 2008|04:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 good |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Feel That Fucking Groove (Club Mix) by D'azoo at Night |
] |
To update. I've taken too long of a time away to update. What has happen in the past month and a half?:
- I met and dated a boy for a month, it was alright, nothing too crazy. I broke things off with him because I didn't really see them going anywhere.
- I went to Halloween Horror Nights and Magic Kingdom the weeekend of Oct. 24 for the first time. Hands down it was incredible and my best weekend ever. I'm already planning another trip up.
- One of my brothers from Nicaragua passed away last sunday. He had been battling cancer for a few months. My family has been grieving as I have too but I didn't really know the guy. Sorry =\
- I've done my usual share of drunken debauchery and devious nights but my best drunken night had to be this past weekend: A bottle of Skyy, Patron, Parrot Bay Passion Fruit and Jaggermeister, all downed by 3 am, people knocking out left and right, puking, laughing, yelling. Ended up at IHOP and in bed with a boy I just met.
- I've become so much more comfortable with having sex it's ridiculous.
- I have yet to have a night comparible to February 9th with the white hulks or May 24 with the Red Rolls-Royce at Gemini. What a fucking buzz-kill.
- I've been doing better this semester though I missed a midterm on monday and my professor is being a bitch about letting me make it up.
- These past couple of days I've found myself searching for inspiration because I haven't drawn or written much these past few months. I am definitely in need of a spark to turn my brain on.
Autumn Music Festival is on November 22 and Robbie Rivera is set to headline. Ultra Tickets go on sale soon enough. I can't fucking wait. I'll be keeping in touch.
Roman
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|
| - 31 - Take some time to realize - |
[21 Sep 2008|12:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 drained |
] |
There is a shitload of things I still haven't figured out. I've never felt so lonely until last night. I think I've decided that I'm switching my major to Modern Language Education. Oh, and I sing better in spanish than in english; go fucking figure.
Roman
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| - 30 - One day - |
[15 Sep 2008|10:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 peaceful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Meddle by Little Boots |
] |
One day this will all make sense and I hope that one day I will understand it all.
Roman
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| - 29 - So soft, so suddenly - |
[07 Sep 2008|11:35am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 contemplative |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Haning High by Lykke Li |
] |
All I have to say is that this weekend was great. It was definitely not amazing nor incredible but it did reach a certain level of greatness. I do thank you boy of my daydreams, I'm happy that we had the chance to open up and get closer to each other. I definitely consider you to be more than just a friend (perhaps not necessarily as I want you to be) and I am appreciative of it.
I will admit that I wish I could hold you. I will leave it at that. I had a dream of you last night, I needn't say more.
Just "Wow," "ugh," "sigh." =\
|
|
| - 28 - What is it? - |
[04 Sep 2008|11:56am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Body Fat (Nic Nell Remix) by Sportsday Megaphone |
] |
What is your void? What is the very last thing you think about when you snap out of a daydream? When reality suddenly hits you, what is the first thing you reach for? What do you sulk about when you drink? What do you dream about when you sleep? What is the very first thought you have when you wake up? Why do you bother to get out of bed? What is trivial yet so worthy of your time? When you get what you want, what is it that you are still missing? What makes you happy even though it is not yours to claim?
Roman
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| - 27 - We're bound to linger on - |
[02 Sep 2008|02:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 hopeful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Until We Bleed ft. Lykke Li by Kleerup |
] |
Trouble is knocking on my door again. Well, he's actually been calling and text messaging my cellphone, but I don't know why. A friend tells me it's because his social life has gone to the social shit-hole. That may very well be the case though I'm sure he is also looking to make amends. Whichever the ocassion, I know to remain at a distance. Two times of tries each ending in a horrible argument which has led us to not speak for weeks, even months, is enough to assume that a third time probably won't go well either. I'll wait and see what "trouble" thinks.
I've caught myself daydreaming on several ocassions over these past few days. Each time I catch myself thinking about a boy that I get to see regularly but not frequently. I'm only given the opportunity to quiver in his presence while our mutual friends are around us. I'm always stealing quick glances, perhaps staring without the notice of others not even said boy. Why do I continue to linger on with mere fantasies as opposed to actually making a move? Well two hurdles lie before me: one being an unmentionable personal choice in how he lives his life and the second being the respect I hold in regards to his choice. So I kind of like a boy, no big deal, but I can't help but be a bit confused as to why it is that I gravitate towards him. I don't know why. Well he is attractive and does have an outgoing personality but I know something else lies to be discovered. Perhaps it is the mystery that intrigues me.
Since I arrived back in Miami from my vacation to Nicaragua a lot of things have occurred. I've made several adjustments on how I live my life. I've been spending numberless and incredible days with my friends, each day followed by its own night of mayhem. Though it was rough getting back into the usual routine of attending classes and going to work, I am thoroughly satisfied with my schedule this semester, the courses I am enrolled in and the amount of hours I've been making; which in all is great because most of the stresses I've had to deal with have been lifted off of my back and has allowed me to concentrate on more important, as well as insignificant, things. The only department I seem to be dragging long in is my love-life. I seem to be lacking that companionship and affection that a only boyfriend can offer me.
I have high hopes for the next couple of months. I swear that my optimism may one day be the death of me but what to do? I refuse to sulk. It would seem that all the citizens of Romany are in a friendly-type mood despite the rainy weather.
Roman
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|
| - 26 - I squeeze my grape, then I drink my wine. - |
[13 Aug 2008|05:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
thoughtful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Seven Things by Miley Cyrus |
] |
I wonder what Miami may have in store for me once I get back home. I truly miss my home and my friends though the distance in itself is making it easier for me to detach myself.
Though it turns out I am the only one to leave and come back, is it terrible to want to be one of those to not return? Is it completely horrible to admit that I envy those gone to make their lives anew just a bit? I admit it now that much has come into perspective and I can't help but want something new, something more.
Then again I am one of those to go back to Miami to face my problems to fix them as opposed to leaving everything behind possibly even without a second chance or word. I am fortunate enough to have a chance at retribution.
I suppose I'll return to build on my foundations until I'm capable of building that tall skyscraper to reach the sky and look down upon the rest of the world.
'Coz if I squeeze my grape, then I drink my wine.
|
|
| - 25 - The Summer of 2008 - |
[30 Jul 2008|02:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
It's Time by Shawn McDonald |
] |
I feel like it has been ages since I last sat down to write, or type in this matter, about occurrances or thoughts taking place in my life. It has been a while so I do apologize if my diction is a bit off.
On June 13, 2008 my best friend Carlos Eduardo Moreno Vargas received a letter in the mail. It was his final deportation notice. After being in the country for nearly six years it would seem that he has reached the end of his rope. After working a few things out with his family's lawyer there is some hope for him to remain in the country for a few more months but that's pretty much where his life in the United States ends. Luckily his future doesn't seem bleak at all. He's going to finish taking the necessary courses he iss missing in order to receive his A.A. and then he will be off to live in Spain and to cotinue his collegiate education in a school possibly more prestigious than any in the United States. However much I know it will kill me once he is gone we will try our hardest to keep in contact and remain as a permanent part of each other's lives. More than anything else I'm just happy to know that he could very well be better off living his life in Spain as opposed to continuing his life in Miami.
I chose to begin writing with the above statement because the thought of Carlos leaving has been in the back of my mind all summer. We joke around about it every once in a while and as I said I am beyond excited for him but the truth of the matter is that to some extent I'm not exactly sure what to do when he leaves. Obviously I know that life goes on and such but damn it feels as though four years of history is coming to a stagnant halt.
Sadly, he isn't the only person leaving. On August 1, 2008 my other best friend Alexis Salas is moving up to Ohio, though his migration is due to his own personal reasons. So another person that I have come to spend a great deal of time with during these past years is packing up his bags and leaving to continue his life elsewhere. These two boys can't begin to imagine how they've helped me steer my life down the path it's taken so far. However I have no doubts that I will see them again whenever time and life itself allow them to come back, even if just for a few days' visit. This summer will also see the departure of such friends as Justin and Gabby who may not have had as great of a significant importance in my life as Carlos or Alexis, but have certainly come to make this summer worth remembering. Then there are the people that I've only known for a short amount of time this year but will continue to make my days bearable once everyone has gone.
Together all of my friends have come to mean the world to me and have graced the pages of my life's story with moments spent dancing, laughing, getting unbearably wasted after a night filled with jaggerbombs and rounds of flip-cup, surviving the scabies epidemic, crying in each other's arms, tagging each other in pictures of us making grotesque poses and faces on Facebook, rolling on the floor laughing, getting high and making egg drop soup, stuffing ourselves with peanut butter and oreos, sending text messages as the clock struck 11:11, getting completely covered in glow paint and cringing from the burn of it when it gets into your eye, being cheered on as I did my pseudo techtonik dancing in the crowds of Vagabond and Discotekka, making french toast for breakfast on my days off, running off the beach with bottles of vodka at the sight of flashing blue and red lights, watching So You Think can Dance, running through the halls of hotels in Daytona, giving hugs to bums to only end up rejected, yelling "Tenui", playing Final Fantasy, singing "Show Me Love" by Mobin Master to only receive flashbacks of Gemini Music Festival, eating IHOP at 4 in the morning completely drunk, rolling fucking balls but then wanting it to stop once you realize it's 9 in the morning and you still can't see straight, sharing stories like these and other amazing moments that I can't thoroughly remember that make up the haze known as the summer of 2008.
Now on to my departure. I leave for Nicaragua tomorrow morning at 5 AM. I'm only leaving for eighteen days, however I feel that it marks the beginning of the string of departures to come. Although I will only be gone for a short time, the same people won't be here when I get back. Whether we stay or go we are all going to change one way or another, for better or for worse. I know that I myself am in store for my own changes while on my trip. I believe this summer marks the transition from my teen years into adulthood. Either way these memories will continue to live on in my heart. So from this moment on I am letting go of all negative feelings and bad memories that I've come to have so far and will only retain the good ones. As will my backyard and pool :)
This is the summer of 2008. Wish me a safe trip back home.
Roman
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romanadore's journal
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