An extra miracle, extra and ordinary:

- 38 - I Guess... -

2009-05-06T03:07:08Z

I guess I'll figure it out one day. I'll have all the answers, but for now, I suppose that...I am still learning.

Roman

- 37 - The Best Thing I have Heard In A While -

2009-04-23T13:57:17Z

"I read some of your stuff and it seems like you're on the brink of discovering a voice. Keep writing and keep reading. Inspire yourself. Keep looking for ideas because you'll end up getting tired of your own experiences."

I need a vacation.

Roman

- 36 - Allowing changes that we could not have foreseen -

2009-04-06T05:19:19Z

Why do I feel like I don't fit in? Anywhere.

Roman

- 35 - Free to Feel Good -

2009-02-26T09:11:03Z

It is past 4 am in the morning. I am apperently out having a good time, when I am really not.

Have you ever felt like you have been in one of those moments most easily described as "being surrounded in a crowded room yet feeling completely alienated, almost outcasted." Well I kind of feel that. I've felt like that for a while. Don't take pity on me though, I'm used to matters such as these.

Roman

- 34 - Alphabet Soup -

2009-02-03T05:00:44Z

I've grown tired of my writing style.

A few months ago, nearly a year ago to be precise, I found what I called my "writing voice." I was ecstatic with what I had discovered because I finally felt like I had a style of writing to suit my life, my personality and the way I felt. Now, I feel I have either lost it or I've grown tired of it. I look over the things I write and they bore me. My own words bore me. From page to page nothing seems to change. Perhaps I'm truly becoming a writer and my greatest critic.

The only piece I am proud of at the moment is a song that I've been working on titled "Alphabet Soup." The song pretty much is a reflection on how life sometimes just isn't the way you would hope for it to turn out. Here's part of the chorus:

"My life isn't grey, just a light shade of blue.
I've got nothing but numbers in my alphabet soup.
And I know that life may end real soon
But for now I think I'll sleep until noon."

To say the least my writing may just be a direct product of my life which as of late has been just as stagnant, a bit unspectacular with days filled with an abundance of repetitions from days of past. Aside from going shopping a few days ago, the only engaging thing I've done for the past week now has been playing Pokemon. Don't get me wrong, I love the game but I can really only play for so long. I need a vacation, an adventure, a high-speed car-chase getaway onto a cruise ship sweepstakes win! I need something to sharpen this dull life of mine and it definitely needs to be something other than spontaneously getting drunk or high in the middle of the week.

My life doesn't feel the way it probably should; I think that's why I haven't updated in a while.

Roman

- 33 - End of Year Resolution? -

2008-12-09T17:04:25Z

A.V.O is the new motto I live by:
"Love Conquers All,"
Whatever that's supposed to mean.
I ask, "If love conquers, does it consume?
Does it devour and destroy?"
Of course it does, otherwise it wouldn't be a good thing
Without a bad.
It's time we take a hit of Love;
Because everybody's doing it.

I took a drive Sunday night,
Hoping to gain pleasure by pleasing another
(As I have many times before).
I found myself lost in an unfamiliar city,
100 miles on the wrong road,
Headed in the wrong direction.
When no one answered my call,
I knew it wasn't meant to be.
I had to find my way back home.

Somewhere in the beginning of this week
I took my pencil and began to draw.
I designed a new thought,
A desire for something more.
I made a garment embroidered with complexity,
Enveloped in valor,
And embellished with felicity.
My pen took over and began to write
The lyrics to a life revisited,
Refurbished,
Refurnished.

From now on I will pave my owns roads.
A.V.O. is a dream come true.

- 32 - In Desperate Need -

2008-11-04T21:46:16Z

To update. I've taken too long of a time away to update. What has happen in the past month and a half?:

- I met and dated a boy for a month, it was alright, nothing too crazy. I broke things off with him because I didn't really see them going anywhere.

- I went to Halloween Horror Nights and Magic Kingdom the weeekend of Oct. 24 for the first time. Hands down it was incredible and my best weekend ever. I'm already planning another trip up.

- One of my brothers from Nicaragua passed away last sunday. He had been battling cancer for a few months. My family has been grieving as I have too but I didn't really know the guy. Sorry =\

- I've done my usual share of drunken debauchery and devious nights but my best drunken night had to be this past weekend: A bottle of Skyy, Patron, Parrot Bay Passion Fruit and Jaggermeister, all downed by 3 am, people knocking out left and right, puking, laughing, yelling. Ended up at IHOP and in bed with a boy I just met.

- I've become so much more comfortable with having sex it's ridiculous.

- I have yet to have a night comparible to February 9th with the white hulks or May 24 with the Red Rolls-Royce at Gemini. What a fucking buzz-kill.

- I've been doing better this semester though I missed a midterm on monday and my professor is being a bitch about letting me make it up.

- These past couple of days I've found myself searching for inspiration because I haven't drawn or written much these past few months. I am definitely in need of a spark to turn my brain on.

Autumn Music Festival is on November 22 and Robbie Rivera is set to headline. Ultra Tickets go on sale soon enough. I can't fucking wait. I'll be keeping in touch.

Roman

- 31 - Take some time to realize -

2008-09-21T16:24:45Z

There is a shitload of things I still haven't figured out. I've never felt so lonely until last night. I think I've decided that I'm switching my major to Modern Language Education. Oh, and I sing better in spanish than in english; go fucking figure.

Roman

- 30 - One day -

2008-09-15T14:36:32Z

One day this will all make sense and I hope that one day I will understand it all.

Roman

- 29 - So soft, so suddenly -

2008-09-07T15:53:15Z

All I have to say is that this weekend was great. It was definitely not amazing nor incredible but it did reach a certain level of greatness. I do thank you boy of my daydreams, I'm happy that we had the chance to open up and get closer to each other. I definitely consider you to be more than just a friend (perhaps not necessarily as I want you to be) and I am appreciative of it.

I will admit that I wish I could hold you. I will leave it at that. I had a dream of you last night, I needn't say more.

Just "Wow," "ugh," "sigh." =\

- 28 - What is it? -

2008-09-04T15:58:06Z

What is your void? What is the very last thing you think about when you snap out of a daydream? When reality suddenly hits you, what is the first thing you reach for? What do you sulk about when you drink? What do you dream about when you sleep? What is the very first thought you have when you wake up? Why do you bother to get out of bed? What is trivial yet so worthy of your time? When you get what you want, what is it that you are still missing? What makes you happy even though it is not yours to claim?

Roman

- 27 - We're bound to linger on -

2008-09-02T20:07:32Z

Trouble is knocking on my door again. Well, he's actually been calling and text messaging my cellphone, but I don't know why. A friend tells me it's because his social life has gone to the social shit-hole. That may very well be the case though I'm sure he is also looking to make amends. Whichever the ocassion, I know to remain at a distance. Two times of tries each ending in a horrible argument which has led us to not speak for weeks, even months, is enough to assume that a third time probably won't go well either. I'll wait and see what "trouble" thinks.

I've caught myself daydreaming on several ocassions over these past few days. Each time I catch myself thinking about a boy that I get to see regularly but not frequently. I'm only given the opportunity to quiver in his presence while our mutual friends are around us. I'm always stealing quick glances, perhaps staring without the notice of others not even said boy. Why do I continue to linger on with mere fantasies as opposed to actually making a move? Well two hurdles lie before me: one being an unmentionable personal choice in how he lives his life and the second being the respect I hold in regards to his choice. So I kind of like a boy, no big deal, but I can't help but be a bit confused as to why it is that I gravitate towards him. I don't know why. Well he is attractive and does have an outgoing personality but I know something else lies to be discovered. Perhaps it is the mystery that intrigues me.

Since I arrived back in Miami from my vacation to Nicaragua a lot of things have occurred. I've made several adjustments on how I live my life. I've been spending numberless and incredible days with my friends, each day followed by its own night of mayhem. Though it was rough getting back into the usual routine of attending classes and going to work, I am thoroughly satisfied with my schedule this semester, the courses I am enrolled in and the amount of hours I've been making; which in all is great because most of the stresses I've had to deal with have been lifted off of my back and has allowed me to concentrate on more important, as well as insignificant, things. The only department I seem to be dragging long in is my love-life. I seem to be lacking that companionship and affection that a only boyfriend can offer me.

I have high hopes for the next couple of months. I swear that my optimism may one day be the death of me but what to do? I refuse to sulk. It would seem that all the citizens of Romany are in a friendly-type mood despite the rainy weather.

Roman

- 26 - I squeeze my grape, then I drink my wine. -

2008-08-13T23:40:54Z

I wonder what Miami may have in store for me once I get back home. I truly miss my home and my friends though the distance in itself is making it easier for me to detach myself.

Though it turns out I am the only one to leave and come back, is it terrible to want to be one of those to not return? Is it completely horrible to admit that I envy those gone to make their lives anew just a bit? I admit it now that much has come into perspective and I can't help but want something new, something more.

Then again I am one of those to go back to Miami to face my problems to fix them as opposed to leaving everything behind possibly even without a second chance or word. I am fortunate enough to have a chance at retribution.

I suppose I'll return to build on my foundations until I'm capable of building that tall skyscraper to reach the sky and look down upon the rest of the world.

'Coz if I squeeze my grape, then I drink my wine.

- 25 - The Summer of 2008 -

2008-07-30T20:18:22Z

I feel like it has been ages since I last sat down to write, or type in this matter, about occurrances or thoughts taking place in my life. It has been a while so I do apologize if my diction is a bit off.

On June 13, 2008 my best friend Carlos Eduardo Moreno Vargas received a letter in the mail. It was his final deportation notice. After being in the country for nearly six years it would seem that he has reached the end of his rope. After working a few things out with his family's lawyer there is some hope for him to remain in the country for a few more months but that's pretty much where his life in the United States ends. Luckily his future doesn't seem bleak at all. He's going to finish taking the necessary courses he iss missing in order to receive his A.A. and then he will be off to live in Spain and to cotinue his collegiate education in a school possibly more prestigious than any in the United States. However much I know it will kill me once he is gone we will try our hardest to keep in contact and remain as a permanent part of each other's lives. More than anything else I'm just happy to know that he could very well be better off living his life in Spain as opposed to continuing his life in Miami.

I chose to begin writing with the above statement because the thought of Carlos leaving has been in the back of my mind all summer. We joke around about it every once in a while and as I said I am beyond excited for him but the truth of the matter is that to some extent I'm not exactly sure what to do when he leaves. Obviously I know that life goes on and such but damn it feels as though four years of history is coming to a stagnant halt.

Sadly, he isn't the only person leaving. On August 1, 2008 my other best friend Alexis Salas is moving up to Ohio, though his migration is due to his own personal reasons. So another person that I have come to spend a great deal of time with during these past years is packing up his bags and leaving to continue his life elsewhere. These two boys can't begin to imagine how they've helped me steer my life down the path it's taken so far. However I have no doubts that I will see them again whenever time and life itself allow them to come back, even if just for a few days' visit. This summer will also see the departure of such friends as Justin and Gabby who may not have had as great of a significant importance in my life as Carlos or Alexis, but have certainly come to make this summer worth remembering. Then there are the people that I've only known for a short amount of time this year but will continue to make my days bearable once everyone has gone.

Together all of my friends have come to mean the world to me and have graced the pages of my life's story with moments spent dancing, laughing, getting unbearably wasted after a night filled with jaggerbombs and rounds of flip-cup, surviving the scabies epidemic, crying in each other's arms, tagging each other in pictures of us making grotesque poses and faces on Facebook, rolling on the floor laughing, getting high and making egg drop soup, stuffing ourselves with peanut butter and oreos, sending text messages as the clock struck 11:11, getting completely covered in glow paint and cringing from the burn of it when it gets into your eye, being cheered on as I did my pseudo techtonik dancing in the crowds of Vagabond and Discotekka, making french toast for breakfast on my days off, running off the beach with bottles of vodka at the sight of flashing blue and red lights, watching So You Think can Dance, running through the halls of hotels in Daytona, giving hugs to bums to only end up rejected, yelling "Tenui", playing Final Fantasy, singing "Show Me Love" by Mobin Master to only receive flashbacks of Gemini Music Festival, eating IHOP at 4 in the morning completely drunk, rolling fucking balls but then wanting it to stop once you realize it's 9 in the morning and you still can't see straight, sharing stories like these and other amazing moments that I can't thoroughly remember that make up the haze known as the summer of 2008.

Now on to my departure. I leave for Nicaragua tomorrow morning at 5 AM. I'm only leaving for eighteen days, however I feel that it marks the beginning of the string of departures to come. Although I will only be gone for a short time, the same people won't be here when I get back. Whether we stay or go we are all going to change one way or another, for better or for worse. I know that I myself am in store for my own changes while on my trip. I believe this summer marks the transition from my teen years into adulthood. Either way these memories will continue to live on in my heart. So from this moment on I am letting go of all negative feelings and bad memories that I've come to have so far and will only retain the good ones. As will my backyard and pool :)

This is the summer of 2008. Wish me a safe trip back home.

Roman

- 24 - Quick Update -

2008-07-25T21:15:52Z

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/25848017?GT1=43001

I'll bring news of my life later on. I felt this held much more importance.

Roman

- 23 - Wall-E

2008-06-27T20:06:37Z

Wall-E is the story of my fucking life. UGH!

Roman

- 22 - Warm Hearts -

2008-06-26T06:11:13Z

We lit up with your last match
To keep warm in the winter.
Lost and found, no middle ground
Just you and me in the heat,
It was you and me, just you and me.

You held me oh so tightly
And kissed ever so lightly
Though it was only nightly,
I never shined quite as brightly.

You said, “I’ll be yours”,
To always love and adore,
Standing there in my door,
I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more.

We hid under your blankets
To keep warm in the winter.
Without bounds and no firm ground
Just you and me hand in hand,
And nowhere to land, nowhere to land.

My heart was yours to mend,
Filled with hope you would lend,
And with love you would send,
To never break or to bend.

I said I’d be yours,
To always love and adore,
Nothing less and nothing more,
It was all I could ask for.
It was all I could ask for.

Now that the cold days have passed,
We have found warm hearts at last
Where a part of you I hold,
Though one day we’ll let go.
Yes, try as we might
To keep this flame high
Make the best of our days
Before we part ways.

But for now I am yours,
And you mine to adore,
There cannot be any more
That I could ever ask for.

Roman

- 21 - Cloud my doubt -

2008-06-13T15:32:38Z

I came to realize last night that I have not come to know fear up until recently. However I have my hope which is something I'm glad still hasn't left me.

He continually finds a way to cloud my doubt though I'll never know how he truly feels. All I can do is remain genuine and show nothing more than who I really am regardless of my past mistakes and hurtful experiences.

Everyone deserves a fresh start. Everyone deserves a second chance. Everyone deserves to find their happiness.

Last night he showed me happiness. I didn't know I'd feel like that again. He doesn't realize how much that means to me

Roman

- 20 - Just starting out -

2008-05-23T14:28:57Z

Lately, it would seem that my uncertainty is the most comforting thing I wear.

As of the 6th Frankie and I have been on speaking terms again. I guess I was lying to myself when I said that I no longer wanted to have him in my life. Regardless I'd be lying to myself if I said that I didn't miss him and that I'm not happy to have him back in my life. Though he proved horrible at being stable with his emotions, he remains to be a good friend. There's something to say about that though there is still a lot I'm unsure of.

I'm excited for tomorrow since I'll be attending Gemini Music Festival. It's the first event of its kind that I will be going to which has had me on the edge of anticipation for the past month. I don't know what it will bring but I can only hope good things will come of it.

Speaking of, I've spoken to my friend Phil who as well is an aspiring DJ. We plan on getting together sometime soon so he can teach me a few "tricks of the trade." He seems to be all for it actually. I guess he likes the idea of having a protege/apprentice. Hah. Even so I have no possible facade that can mask my eagerness. I'm so fucking stoked.

Last, but certainly not least, I've got two weeks to plan my damned birthday party. What the fuck am I going to do?

Presently, it would seem that my uncertainty is the most comforting thing I own; I'm glad I do.

Roman

- 19 - As Lovers Go -

2008-05-05T04:23:31Z

Don't wait
On Fate
Life won't hesitate
To chance
A dance
With a night of Romance.

Two lives
Take dives
Into Love and contrive
A tryst
Of bliss
To be sealed with a kiss

It's "now"
For vows,
No need to know how
To climb
Up sublime;
They haven't the time.

Their lack
Of tact
Will only prove fact:
Young minds
Turn blind
Whenever intertwined.

They'll smile
For a while
Before things become vile
As happiness
Brings sadness
And concedes their true madness.

No fuss
Is a must
When their novelty rusts,
For Joy
Will employ
Some problems to annoy.

They'll shout
Over bouts
But not live without
Each other
As lovers
And make peace under covers.

No room
For gloom,
Though destined to be doomed,
For Love
From above
Can't ever be let go of.

- 18 - Ignite Joy under stars tonight, Daunting any natural cold evils. -

2008-04-29T06:27:30Z

He closed his eyes, staring at the self-portrait in his head. He asked himself "should I do it or should I not?" He had promised himself he wouldn't do it again until he was sure of it. For about seven seconds he fought and questioned himself.

"Why do it and why now?"
"I dunno. It might feel good."
"Something doesn't seem right about it, though."
"Fuck it, just do it."
"Are You sure?"
"...No."
"Fuck it." And that he did.

That had to have been the most awkward seven seconds spent arguing with his conscience. Filled with doubt he took the plunge, taken over momentarily by a mild disinhibitor. He pulled his head back, opened his eyes and looked at the face gazing upon him.

"How did it feel?"
"Not quite right."
"Yeah."

It was an unspoken agreement reached by two pairs of almond colored eyes.

He made the promise again though it would seem promises said to himself are the only ones he ever bothered to break. The night went on with happiness emanating from the tips of white headphones as flashing lights of blue and white burned into his retinas. "Enjoy it while it lasts as life continues to come fast."

Thanks to that little green pill he was able to ignite joy under stars tonight, daunting any natural cold evils.

"How can you be so sure of yourself?"
"Well it's not a matter of knowing but one of doing."
"What do you do?"
"I just dance."

-------
This moment brought to you by teenage nonsense.

Roman

- 17 - Float on Forever -

2008-04-23T05:18:05Z

Clarity; I have finally found it. I'm in a good place, same as before but somehow I know it's better. A few interesting things have occurred in the past few days. The main one being that Justin, Carlos's boyfriend, and I have bonded. It turns out that we both share a lot in common. We understand each other's logic, philosophies and ways of thinking; It's such a relief to know that I'm not crazy by the way I do things because someone else does them the same way. Go fucking figure that after two years of animosity he and I would turn out to be so much alike.

Other than that school has come to an end for me, work has slowed down now that tax season is over and I'm doing better financially. In the midst of all this I've managed to rework my foundations and mend some broken parts. The house looks just as beautiful as before but it feels safer now that the construction is sturdier and more durable. Quite the analogy, I know. Give me a break, it's fucking late. Anyway I'm off to bed. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing good. I'm off to bed and leave you all with this:

I’ll give you a glimpse but make it quick,
Don’t dare blink or you may just miss.
This could be “it” and “it” could be big,
If it does exist then don’t resist.

I’ll float on forever but not too far.
I’ll stay near home, as it will do no harm.
My past lives indeed have left me quite marred
With beautifully bleeding wounds now turned into scars.

To love is to dare, to care and be bare.
Be aware that I’m scared of what may lie there.
And if in love and war all is said to be fair
Why are so many saddened across everywhere?

One day when I grow I’ll eventually come to know
What it means to have hope and never let go.
Never do show your fears and be bold,
There is more to this world than what we’re told.

So Living isn’t breezy but leaving is too easy
Though I tried to find love it only knows teasing.
I won't stop giving 'cause taking never pleased me.
Just hoping that believing doesn't make me seem crazy.

Roman

- 16 - Decipher reflections from reality -

2008-04-16T04:23:26Z

Today (yesterday) is (was) April 15, 2008.

Two years ago today (yesterday) I met a boy that I had no idea would come to have a great impact on my life. This boy's name is Jose Miguel Ceballos. I met him at my friend Valeria's annual spring break party. I had no idea who this kid was nor did I care to get to know him. My first impression of him was actually a terrible one. Either way, I didn't think I would ever see him again. Yet two weeks later he was my boyfriend. Two month's later he was my ex. Now that two years have passed, though he has been in and out of my life on several occasions, a part of him still resides with me. I think I can even get away with saying that I've thought of him for every single day since I met him, for better or for worse. I still hold him dear to me. I wouldn't call it "Love." I wouldn't give it a label for fear of doing injustice to it. Frankly, I don't care what it is nor do I want to find a meaning or reason for it. I just know that it's the truth and it is there. I will leave it as such.

Now this isn't about Jose. This is about my perpetual present (however redundant that may be). This is about all the people that have come to change my life in one way or another. This is about my life.

I met Carlos Roberto Arana (you can call him KuKuMei) on April 17, 2004 at Elisabeth Skipp's (Skippy) house. That is two day's from today. That's four years of history with this kid. I met Carlos Eduardo Moreno on December 17, 2004 though we were friends online at least 8 months prior to meeting him that day at Kaffe Krystale. Alexis Salas and I hung out for the first time on August 6, 2005. We ate at Sushi Maki and had the one conversation that has completely defined our friendship to this day. Sasha Marin and I became friends through MySpace and had our first phone conversation on June 23, 2005. I met her on August 13, 2005 along with Santiago Borges at Dolphin Mall. I remember these dates because these are dates and people that I cared to remember; I knew that one day they would mean something to me, however big or small.

Now there are people such as Fadiah Sarah Drouillard, Katya Gabriella Marion, Nicole Acosta, Alexander Chi, Nadia Kuscevic, Lauren Nicole Coy, Laurin Elise Jones, Alexander Damian Garcia, Gregory Gonzalez, Yoel Orlando Moreno, Justin Barton, Ashley Fernandez, Melanie Scull, Alexander Joseph Russo, Katherine Moreno, Chrisina Joshelyn Machado (she's going to kill me for butchering her name), Andrew Pego, Alexis Puentes, Denise Puente, Denise Bloom, Edgar Fernandez, James Russell Mackenzie, Mary Herrera, Benedict Charles Lawson, Uriel Morales, Yariel Diaz, Eric Andrew Darpini, all of my brothers in Delta Lambda Phi, and so many others that I can't for the life of me remember when it is that we met but for some reason or another, good or bad, they had some affect on my life that has made me into the person that I am today. It goes to show you how you'll come across a plethora of people in your lifetime and not know what they'll mean to you one day.

On January 5, 2008 I met a boy named Ramon Antonio Rivera. On January 26, 2008 I met a boy named Frank Santino Taboas. I dated both these boys within the past three months. Frankie is no longer in my life while Ray still is, for the most part. It makes you wonder what makes people stay and what makes them leave. Ray has already had quite the notable impact on me. Now I question how deep the severity of this marred experience will run. I look back on my time with Jose and I never would have thought that experience would change me so much. It all just makes you wonder. Either way I could never be happier with the way my life has turned out thus far. I'll just have to see how it goes.

As a minor update, I am doing amazingly well right now. I'm currently working towards a lot of goals and ambitions that will sculpt my future. I don't think I have ever been more excited for my future before.

I will leave you all with this: don't under-appreciate anyone. Love them and care for them like it's your last day. You never know what they will come to do for you in your life or how quickly they may leave.

Roman

- 15 - WWYD -

2008-04-11T16:21:42Z

I found this on my friends Liettel's greatestjournal. I highly recommend that anyone who comes across this to watch it.

Roman

- 14 - Flashing Lights -

2008-04-10T17:11:40Z

just passing by to let everyone that I'm doing as good as before. I leave with you my current playlist for this spring. Let me know what you guys think. If there is any song that you would like to get, just let me know and I'll be sure to send it to you :)

AND this fucking hot video of two guys doing the "Daft Bodies" dance. Enjoy.

Roman